Gmail & Facebook Hacked, What To Do?

I learned the unfortunate news that both my gmail and facebook accounts had been hacked on Wednesday. Like any small minded American my instant reaction was that of fear, anger and a general dislike for whatever asshole thought he could do this. My second reaction however was that of “How can I fuck with my friends”.

My point is, hacking happens, at one point or the other your digital information will be accessed by an unknown person and you’ll probably freak the fuck out. But why? I ask. Sure, after you’re done changing all of your bank account passwords etc. you’ll feel a little better but why not have some fun in the process?!!! Let’s go over the top 5 ways to fuck with your friends to make yourself feel better that all those pictures from the party last Thursday night are now in the hands of a stranger.

5) Silly, silly, silly

Don’t let the name fool you, the “Silly, silly, silly” method is tried, true and a hell of a lot of fun. My first interaction with this sort of friendly “Oh NO!” occurred when I THOUGHT I had lost my iPhone for the first time. (It was in my shoe [NOT KIDDING]). Immediately after finding my seemingly lost electronic device I proceeded to hack my own facebook account (If you catch my drift). But what to do first…. I know! I simply changed my profile picture to that of Betty White with a lovely comment stating “Haha, take that!”. To me it was hilarious; to my digital friends it was outrage.

I was actually quite overcome with the amount of e-mails, phone calls, and general concern expressed by all who read my post. I actually received three voicemails that went something like this “Hey, who the fuck is this? You’re a fucking asshole!” Granted I believe two of those were a result of the copious amounts of alcohol I had consumed the night before and therefore quite probably deserved. But what the hell, one person cared, and so it was funny.

4) The Old “There’s a Snake in my Boots” Routine

This one is a little crueler but if you (like everyone else in the world) has just one middle-aged American friend on facebook will send people into a cyber uproar comparable with the Pompeii eruption. Simple really, after noticing your account has been hacked you’re going to be a little pissed off right? Furthermore if you’re a decent human being you wont want this to happen to anyone else, especially your friends! So, naturally and without hesitation you make a post of your own “My gmail & facebook accounts were hacked, if you get an e-mail, facebook message, anything from me DELETE it, DO NOT OPEN!”.

Oh ho ho, you may as well have texted the four horsemen, given them the name of every man, women and child you associate with (Hey, stop associating with children) and map out their addresses on google. Suddenly and without warning, people will start freaking out, “Oh no, how did this happen?” (Like I fucking know?) “This happened to a friend of mine! They figured out where his kids went to school! Scary stuff.” Or the lovely “What a jerk.”

Honestly, you can’t really blame them. In a world filled with newscasters regurgitating the same old “Terrorist WILL kill you, oh, and they can do it with a COMPUTER” the "common" man going all "rain" man over a hacked account seems almost natural. That’s what makes it so funny.

3) The Random Correspondence

So, you’ve made it aware that you’ve been hacked (not into pieces hopefully or the FBI will be down my throat again). Now it’s time to REALLY play on the fears of your fellow cyber goers. How do we accomplish this? Simple. Start sending e-mails, messages, or even better go on about your life and post as normal. My crack team of Russian scientists has yet to explain this phenomenon but we gave it a kick ass name! “Normalityagiasis” Nor - mal - ity – a – Jy – a – sis.

For some reason once your friends and loved ones (haha, yeah right) learn of your cyber loss they’ll go through a sort of paranoia only known to the internet. Suddenly all of their thoughts will be clouded by a veil of suspicion. And normal is exactly what they DON’T WANT. So you, just going about your business, all calm and shit will send them into a frenzy. I suggest sitting back, grabbing a beer and watching the spectacle that is human stupidity.

2) The Assurance

This may seem obvious but it is very important and must not be skipped if one strives to achieve true “I made my friend almost kill himself, over facebook” status. Assurance is what every human being strives for. We all like to know that everything is going to be okay and we like it even more after knowing something bad happened. So why are you denying them this intoxicating combination of brain fluids? Go on, let them know.

I think you know what has to happen but in case you don’t or you’re a Wookie I’ll explain. Send a post, message and e-mail to all of your friends letting them know you’ve spoken with google/facebook (whatever) and that everything is back to normal. Be sure to include a line similar to “Whoo, I AM SO GLAD THAT IS OVER!!!1111” or you may not get the full effect. This will, without fail fix everything (Momentarily). There’s just one thing left to do…

1) The Repeat Offender

By this time everything should be all hunky dory in cyberspace (With the exception of that file you’re downloading, HORSES? WHY?) But that just means it’s time to shake things up. This is my favorite because it’s simple and just backs up all the fears you instilled using methods 5-2. IT HAPPENS AGAIN! Simply post something similar to “WHAT THE FUCK IT HAPPENED AGAIN! I’M SICK OF THESE DAMN HACKERS” At this time I’d disconnect your phone, backup your hard drive and watch the modern world as you know it crumble in flames before your eyes. Good job you prince among men, you noble knights of selfish comedy, you……. Asshole.

Oh, and Don’t Panic